Sunday, December 7, 2008

My conundrum!

(completely unrelated picture -- I just thought it was so cute -- Gray likes to play the piano, and he pushes one key at a time, and sometimes picks out simple melodies that actually turn out quite pretty! I think I have a budding Beethoven on my hands!! haha! Thanks, Mom, for giving us the piano!! It is well-loved, and well-used!)

Don't you love that word? Conundrum......... hehe! Anyway, here it is: after much soul-searching, praying, and discussions with my husband, I am doubting my decision to work. When I had Grayson, I cut back on my hours at the hospital, and I currently only work 8 hours a week -- that's nothing right?! But I find myself dreading it -- not because I don't like my job -- I love being a nurse, and I work in the best place ever! I love it! But I loathe and despise having to leave my baby!!! I am very very very fortunate to be able to leave him with Steve every time I work, and they both enjoy their alone time (or so Steve says! :) ). And 8 hours is not that long to be away from him, right?! But it feels like forever when I'm gone! I am just NOT one of those people that has to get away from her kid all the time -- I genuinely LOVE being home with him! Don't get me wrong, it's nice to go out to dinner or a movie every once in a while and have some alone time with my hubby! But whenever I am away from Gray, I have the strongest feeling that I really should NOT be away from him. Like seriously almost to the point of breaking down and crying! It just feels WRONG!! I am a strong believer that babies need their mothers! And it is my job as his mother to take care of him. He is growing so fast, and I hate to miss even one second of it! Steve tells me what Gray does while I'm gone, and I just get so sad that I missed it!! Every time I'm at work helping a new mom breastfeed, or when I'm changing a little tiny newborn diaper, all I can think of is "I need to be taking care of my OWN baby right now!" . My reasons for working are simple and few: 1.it's good to have the extra money, and 2.I want to keep my nursing license active -- way too much hassle to re-license if you let it lapse. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that those are purely selfish reasons. All moms always say "I would do anything for my child" -- and I sincerely feel that way! So can't I learn to live on a tighter budget, and put some effort into doing continuing education credits for my license?? Steve is very supportive of me, and he says whatever I decide, he will support. He, too, feels like it is his job to provide for the family, and it is my job to nurture the family and home! I just don't know what to do! I mean no disrespect to all you mothers out there that miraculously do it all! I just don't know if it works for me and my family. I put a poll on the sidebar of my blog -- everyone weigh in on what you think, please! And feel free to comment, too, if you feel so inclined! Just please be nice -- I feel bad enough as it is! :) Am I being too self-critical, or am I being selfish?? How do I 'let go' of my reasons to work? Or are they too important to let go? I'm seriously rambling, and I apologize for that! But I'm really having a lot of anxiety over this!! Help, please!!!

9 comments:

TRIBE'S said...

I think you know how I feel before I even comment, but that said. There is nothing more important than your children. It's OK to go without things now to just hold and love them. I know Steve is a great Dad. If you feel you should stay home then that is your answear. I love you, you are a great Mom! Rmember this time goes by so fast, don't miss any of it.

Ty and Ber said...

I say follow your heart. You, better than anyone else, knows what is best for you and your family. And if you and Steve both agree on this one then I say go for it.
Some may say that 8 hrs isn't a lot but if it is a night shift it takes a lot more out of you than 8 hours.
Do what feels right. I don't think that you are being selfish. Untimately our calling in life is to be a mother, so don't feel guily about feeling this way. We will miss you on the floor if that is what you decide.

Cassi and Chadd said...

I love staying at home with Maddux and would not change a thing. It really is a personal decision though. I worked hard for a masters degree,but I find myself using what I learned every day. I would talk to women in your field who have left to raise kids and ask how they got back into the field later. I had a stay at home mom and have known no other option so personally it is right for me. I couldn't imagine missing out on the cute little moments m and I have. Money and 'stuff' can't fill those voids for me.

Amy said...

I know! It is such a hard decision, especially with all the schooling you have gone through. (Jeff is a nurse, so I totally know.) But really, you should just do what you feel. I mean, 8 hours a week isn't really THAT much more money. And re-licensing can't be THAT big of a deal once your kids are older and you are ready to go back to work. I worked 4 hours a day every day until Carson was 2 and it was SO hard. I just hated leaving him! And my mom was the one watching him. Until Beckham was born I worked 2 full days a week up at the hospital. It was so much better, but still hard. Now I stay home and absolutely love it!! I am still employed as PRN up at the hospital, so I will go in every once and a while, but I just LOVE being home! (I actually got called in for this Wednesday.) Is being PRN an option for you? I know with the hospital once you are in, you are pretty much in. Then if you ever decide to work again, you get to keep your raises and your years employed. Seriously though, this world is too scary to not be home with your kids and teach them everything you can. And the older they get, the more they need you. Just do what you feel, but remember that your little family is the most important thing. Sorry this is such a long comment, but I have totally had to deal with the same thing. I'm sure whatever you choose will be right. You are such a good mom! :)

Becky said...

I think if you are having a strong feeling that you should quit, maybe you should listen to it. I always listen to my gut because it's usually right.

However, my SIL is a nurse and she works one day a month to keep her liscense and just to keep up on her skills. Maybe pray about cutting back even less and see how you feel. If you still feel like you need to be home all the time, then maybe that's your answer. Good luck!

p.s. Last year I got a job working about 7 hours a week thinking it would be great to get a break from the kids, but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore and I quit because I missed them too much. just FYI.

Amy-Queen of Kings said...

I wouldn't trade being a stay at home mom for anything! We seriously had no money for a while, but it was totally worth it to be at home with my babies, when they grow up and go to school I'll volunteer or get a job then, but for now, and for me I am staying at home!!!

Bragbook said...

I hate the fact that with motherhood comes this huge amount of guilt it is major frustrating! I think that every mom knows what you are going through right now. I would say follow your heart, but if you stop working don't feel guilty if money is tight or, find something else to feel bad about about, because
You are an amazing Mom. And not to encourage one way or the other, but THEY GROW UP SO FAST!!! Good luck with your choice your awesome!
Kacey

Jason+Lindi said...

You know I quit working when Max was born and my only regret is that I waited that long. I missed out on SOO much of the first 2 1/2 years of Caleb's life.I never worked full time, but any time was too much time for me. I, like you, LOVE being a nurse. I loved my job and I really enjoyed the work BUT I felt the same way. I would cry almost everyday on the way to work. Remember that being a Mom is number one. About keeping your license active. It is SUPER easy. All you need it 30 CE hours every two years. I just did mine by a mail out course/online test. It cost me $41 and was super, super easy. (It was an open book test and ALL of the answers and page numbers that they could be found on were included in the info. nice) Anyway I say DO it. You know me, I had always wanted it, and now that I have had it for 19ish months I love it and pray that I never have to go back while I have kids at home. Good luck!

Ben and KoriAnn said...

I don't have kids, but I know that I want to be a stay at home mom. I don't want to work when we eventually have kids. I don't know how mothers work full time or even part time, spend time with their family, and keep their house in order. They definitely are super woman. I don't think you are being selfish about wanting to stay home with Grayson all of the time, I want the same thing for my children, so I say just quit your job and stay home with Gray. You will know after a few weeks, or even months if you need to go back for money reasons or for your own reasons. Whatever you do the lord will let you know what is right. Your in my prayers.